It's not easy to share. And it's more
difficult when you aim to share with someone who can't quite agree
with you on the boundaries of sharing. I live with a teenager. I
experience this challenge on a daily basis. Specifically of note, I
share a bathroom, my favorite towels, my kitchen, and most
importantly my food processor with her. Daily, I walk into my kitchen
after leaving it with a dish-free sink to find dishes in the sink.
And more often than not, that includes the food processor – that
gem of a gadget (and my fanciest) that is ALWAYS easier to clean
sooner than later. So not only is it harder to wash after sitting,
it's not clean for my own use, and it takes up half the sink hanging
about unwashed. I get really grumpy with this recurrence, probably
because it seems so easy to me to accommodate my expectations. Of
course, that's the key to making it through – realizing she has her
own set of designs on how she cleans up after herself and she'd
rather do anything than fit into my expectations.
I'm not a fan of making kids share.
There's no way it feels good to share when someone is talking you
into it and, quite simply, you are not ready to share. I believe it
also sends a false message of making others feel better at the
expense of one's own feelings. I'm a big fan of aiming for a solution
that satisfies all involved parties, including solutions that honor
input from all. At preschool I relish when that does not come easily –
because in fact those solutions ALWAYS come out more cooperative and
creative in the end.
And yes, it's much, much harder in my own home.
If you have lived with small
children, keeping all parties satisfied is a grand task. It takes
practice. I finally got smart and aimed to meet my teenage daughter in the
middle. It more or less worked. After I illustrated that it really is
easier to wash the food processor if you at least rinse it clean
before leaving it in the sink, she made the 'illuminating' remark she
might as well just wash it right away. Aha! Self-discovered
observation for the win. This stuff still works when the kids are 16.
A willingness to share is generally
rooted in feeling one has possessed to a satisfying degree. I can
admit, I will always want to find my food processor and at least one
of my favorite towels available when I want. They are mine. I have a
suspicion this sense of ownership is no different from the sense of
ownership a child has over wanting to sit next to someone, give a
turn with a flashlight, put out the stop signs or fill a toilet with
paper towels. We want what we want. Sharing only truly works when it
comes from the desire to cooperate. It's definitely not easy. Cooperation is better.
